(TW: Teen depression, death, rebellion, world annihilation and suicide ideation is a theme in my younger years writing.)

The word Autism didn’t exist in my vocabulary when I was a teenager.  Certainly, masking to blend wasn’t a concept in my mind – even as I was donning the mask.

Survival depended on it. 

Yet, without the words, I saw and felt the mask and balked. Wrote angsty teen poems about it. Rebelled, heartily, against it.

Well, when I was a teen at least, and then, as an adult, I succumbed to it. My center-self was muted and most of my personality was expressed in internet social groups .

I’d been expert at blending in even as a child. Quiet and calm to be forgotten and let be. Pipe up every now and then so no one worries where I am, then stick my nose back in a book, and back into my world.

As a teen The Mask felt so constrictive and terrible, and my rebellion against it wasn’t very understood – even by me. I was sincerely alone growing up and my best friends were my dog, and characters in the books I read. I did have friends who were accepting of my differences – and even then I struggled to feel connected to my peers.

To join in #TakeTheMaskOff , I am sharing these penciled words from a journal I kept in the 80s as a teen.

Autistically,

Eve Reiland

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Civilization

You perverted animal.

stalking all your jungle streets

going in for your bloody kill

take senseless lives as you please

one less headache

one more psycho

what a precious civilization

the blood is still dripping

one more night

one more day

who cares

soon you’ll all be dead

stupid clones with

all your systematic dreams

your day is coming

that’s the way the world turns

in your positively

terrific civilization

By Eve Reiland 2.16.89

---

Eve’s “The Mask” Gallery | #TakeTheMaskOff

Here are photos from my early years and I can clearly see the difference in my expressions compared to now, after the mask has been removed.

I’m told I don’t look like the same person now. That I have a different personality now.

Those who knew me online, say I am like my personality online in person now.

~e

---

Simple Minded

Zigzagging a busy walk

order, all in order

order

their making a systematic list

all timed perfectly

how motonous

how dead

nothing white

nothing black

not even different shades of gray

simple minded

simple minded

no pressure

no pain

no caring

no abuse

no sympathy

simple minded

simple minded

a continuous timetable

a right time, a right place

impossible

impossible

nonexistent

nonexistent

nonexistent

nonexistent

order – all in order

order

order

simple minded

simple minded

By Eve Reiland 2.27.89

---

General Education

Sitting in a constricting seat

treated like a juvenile

words pounded into my brain

communism?

capitalism?

Freedom! That’s what it is.

It’s a general education

cramming it all down my throat

exploding in my head.

Its just a general

a very general

education.

By Eve Reiland circa 89

---

All Is Good

Inspiration hit

instantaneously like a bomb

as long as it doesn’t evaporate

I’ll be OK

because

All is good

All is good

All is good

All is good down the street, up the block,

around the corner,

no worries. no fret.

income with all the respect

All is good

All is good

All is good

Believeability , understanding

communication

no prejudice

against me

All is good

All is good

All is good

All is very good

By Eve Reiland circa 89

---

Dear Society

Squeezing the blood out of your soul

a high pitched yell

slaps me in the face

stricken terror

runs through my veins

all I see

is blackness around me

the smell of death

pervades all

re-interactions of a crime

sacrilegious prayer

muffled into undertone

an innocent life

taken by my hand

the breaths quicken

of yet an undead man

at once it is no more

all hope went out the door

footsteps fall

slammed against a stone wall

in an now empty alley

all my murders added up

I shall end here with a silent scream.

If you want to help me out, send money from your bank account.

Admirably yours,

By Eve Reiland circa 89

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Death, death, death

Death, death, death, death

dead

you are dead

your mind has stopped wandering

your breath

it stopped quickening

your eyes stopped seeing

your mouth

it speaks nothing at all

your hands stopped moving

your legs don’t walk anymore

no movement

no explination

its just a conversion

with all its idiotic victories.

you have transferred

you have converted

you are dead

you’re another social monster

screaming at me

goodbye, goodbye

goodbye, goodbye

your toes have stopped wiggling

you’re a non-hippie now

you’re anon-punk now

you’re a non-free expresser now

because you’re a social trend now

because you’re dead now.

By Eve Reiland circa 89