Fight (You’ll Have To Kill Me First) By Eve Reiland

This is the final in a 3-part series I’m working on related to lived PTSD experiences of fight, flight and freeze.  Spoken word version via video soon.

Flight, Freeze, Fight

[CN: Abuse, PTSD]

Fight (You’ll Have To Kill Me First)

You’ll have to kill me first

Before I quiet again

Before I stop making noise, 

Capture someone’s notice

And get help sent in

Look up, pay attention

This time is different

You’re so sure of yourself you don’t see 

I’m not shedding shame or tears

forced into compliance, sitting silently

You always said I looked most beautiful then

Face wet, eyes sparkling

As if your opinion mattered

In this pattern, I’m to feign flattered

Be contrite and replete with admiration

Worship you like a deity

But not today, I’ve reached my end

I’ll not make myself small 

Never again will you pose me like your doll, 

tilt my chin and compliment my tears

You’ll have to kill me first

A battle of physical strength I can’t win

You’ll just pick me up and throw me 

When you can’t argue a win

You’ll push, pinch, slap, hit

and attempt to startle me

Until my brain shoots lightening down my spine

Until my body tremors until I seize

Until I’m knocked out on the floor

And wake up after with no memory

Trapped in your delusion 

Today, I counted new bruises

You blamed on my condition 

Spare me the gaslight and lies

My brain recorded what you did

Set it on replay 

I didn’t forget 

You censured me not to rebel

Said you were here to help

Then grabbed my arms 

Slammed me against the door

Tossed me across the hall

Pulled me by my legs

Until the carpet burned my face

Last I remember

I tried to bite your skin

You told me to settle or

I’d go over the balcony next

Well, it’s morning now

I didn’t forget

So go ahead, do it again 

This time I’ll wear a cape 

like Superman

And I’ll fly to the moon

In the light of day

show me your truth

Mark my body, mark my face

Crush me tight until I can’t fight

Squeeze my arms, my ribs, my throat 

Go ahead, we’ve been here before

The difference is 

I remember now

My brain is tracking history

I’m focused 

Sharp as a blade

And I absolutely refuse to forget


You thought I rebelled?

Meet the rebel

You’ll have to kill me first

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