This is the final in a 3-part series I’m working on related to lived PTSD experiences of fight, flight and freeze. Spoken word version via video soon.
[CN: Abuse, PTSD]
Fight (You’ll Have To Kill Me First)
You’ll have to kill me first
Before I quiet again
Before I stop making noise,
Capture someone’s notice
And get help sent in
Look up, pay attention
This time is different
You’re so sure of yourself you don’t see
I’m not shedding shame or tears
forced into compliance, sitting silently
You always said I looked most beautiful then
Face wet, eyes sparkling
As if your opinion mattered
In this pattern, I’m to feign flattered
Be contrite and replete with admiration
Worship you like a deity
But not today, I’ve reached my end
I’ll not make myself small
Never again will you pose me like your doll,
tilt my chin and compliment my tears
You’ll have to kill me first
A battle of physical strength I can’t win
You’ll just pick me up and throw me
When you can’t argue a win
You’ll push, pinch, slap, hit
and attempt to startle me
Until my brain shoots lightening down my spine
Until my body tremors until I seize
Until I’m knocked out on the floor
And wake up after with no memory
Trapped in your delusion
Today, I counted new bruises
You blamed on my condition
Spare me the gaslight and lies
My brain recorded what you did
Set it on replay
I didn’t forget
You censured me not to rebel
Said you were here to help
Then grabbed my arms
Slammed me against the door
Tossed me across the hall
Pulled me by my legs
Until the carpet burned my face
Last I remember
I tried to bite your skin
You told me to settle or
I’d go over the balcony next
Well, it’s morning now
I didn’t forget
So go ahead, do it again
This time I’ll wear a cape
like Superman
And I’ll fly to the moon
In the light of day
show me your truth
Mark my body, mark my face
Crush me tight until I can’t fight
Squeeze my arms, my ribs, my throat
Go ahead, we’ve been here before
The difference is
I remember now
My brain is tracking history
I’m focused
Sharp as a blade
And I absolutely refuse to forget
Again
You thought I rebelled?
Meet the rebel
You’ll have to kill me first
International Badass Activists 