Freeze (Misbehaving Again) by Eve Reiland

[TW/CN: Abuse, Caregiver Abuse, PTSD, Drowning]

This is the second in a 3-part series I’m working on related to lived experiences and PTSD of fight, flight and freeze. Recently, I’ve had a breakthrough in memories and instead of disappearing on me again, they are sticking. It’s overwhelming, but I’m writing through the dark to feel the light.

All of these things, I’ve already survived.

I will share the video of the spoken word version here when it’s done.

Freeze: Misbehaving Again

I’m misbehaving again

At least that’s what I’m told

Why else would I deliver an opinion so bold?

It’s my hair, my clothes, my thoughts

Am I not to even be in charge of them?

I fear water, and hate being controlled

This you know

I’m misbehaving again

My emotions are exploding and need to calm

So you said and grabbed my shoulder, then my arms

The hell I do. 

This is my life, my home 

Get out. It’s you who doesn’t belong

You squeeze my throat

My words get stuck

I’m claustrophobic 

This you know

I’m misbehaving again

I kick and twist

The back of my head bangs against a wall

You tell me to trust you 

That I’m too sick to logic

I’m too ill to understand

I know It doesn’t matter what I say

Now that I can’t

I don’t have the strength 

to force you to let me go

This you know

I’m misbehaving again

It’s time for me to relax 

Time to take a bath

To ease away the day

You know better 

what’s good for me 

than I do

You drag me into the bathroom

Your arm crushes my ribs

I kick and hit

Thrash and squirm

I can’t break your hold

This you know

I’m misbehaving again

Into the tub I go

Head pushed back

Water rushes up my nose

I’ll feel better in a minute

If I just listen and quit being irrational

I never take a bath

I only ever use the shower

This you know

I’m misbehaving again

I’d have a much better day

If I just behaved

If I stopped fighting and paid attention

If I’d only listen

Your eyes burn like hell fire 

Through the water

Between your face and mine

I can’t escape your prison

regardless of how hard I fight

I’m in no position to tell you no

This you know

I’m misbehaving again

I’m out of my mind

Your only here to help me

The more I fight, the more difficult it will be

Now see what you had to do?

It’s my fault I choke on water

It’s my fault I can’t breathe

As soon as I relax

As soon as I stop being so crazy

When you can trust me, you’ll let me free

Not like I have a choice

This you know

I misbehaved again

There’s no way to win

I feel my body release the fight

I am numb

My limbs float

You release your hold

pick me up and carry me out

floppy like a cloth doll

No resistance

No fight

Now I’ll listen

Now you have all the control

This you know

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: