Badass Activist | Eve Reiland

In Relapse Riding A Trigger | Circa Nov 23, 2014

Sun, Nov 23, 2014, 9:39 AM | Email From Me To Family

OK, going to share that I’m in relapse mode. Riding a trigger that causes me to want to move. It’s part of my illness.

Part of the fight/flight response of PTSD. My cognitive distortions are big right now. This is what I have to be very careful of … so I don’t do something like I did last year.My brain is so fucking smart it finds a way to validate that logic with facts that can be convincing and support the distortion.  

M. says that I’m so smart that if someone else is even a fraction less I will out argue them. Worse, if I don’t feel they are of enough intelligence I don’t say anything. I’m learning how to listen better and seek guidance.

Last year, after I started realizing and learning what a hypermanic state is for PTSD, I created a network of support. I call them my pillars of support. People I trust at a core level when I’m in recovery to help me when my viewpoint are not to be trusted as completely accurate. 

My brain thinks in details others may never be able to process. I can get lost in these. M. is helping me work through my hangups and make this place more comfortable for my needs. Moving isn’t practical and I have cognitive distortions about living here to work through. And some real issues we’re working on finding coping skills for me to work with like getting a little refrigerator, hot plate and bring the coffee maker upstairs so I don’t have to go into the common spaces until I’m ready to mingle with others.

I love you all. Thank you for bearing with me through this. I know it doesn’t make sense and I’m doing my best to ground and re-balance. I know it’s difficult for you to see me go through this. I know you look for how I was before and believe me, I did that for a very long time.

My life before looked great on the surface but I was battling a mental illness even then. Now the numb part of PTSD is ripped off and I’m dealing with feelings, emotions, flashbacks, triggers and a data-dump of memories I don’t always understand and often don’t feel an emotional attachment too.

This can be very painful for the people who love me. It can be difficult for me to feel like I don’t know the people who raised me but I have memories and my brain often goes back to the early ones. My four-year-old self loves mom and dad so much and then time doesn’t really figure with me, so then I miss them with my four-year-old heart and cry because I miss them.   

I really do appreciate your love and your patience.  

(Cognitive distortions are exaggerated or irrational thought patterns that are believed to perpetuate the effects of psychopathological states, especially depression and anxiety

Moreover, cognitive distortions are thoughts that cause individuals to perceive reality negatively. These negative thinking patterns are simply convincing the mind of individuals that what they see is true when it is not. They are inaccurate thoughts that usually reinforce negative thoughts or emotions.[2] Cognitive distortions tend to interfere with the way a person perceives an event. Since the way a person feels intervenes with how they think, these distorted thoughts feed their negative emotions. As a result, an individual affected by cognitive distortions may have an overall negative outlook on the world.)

Diagnostic characteristics of a hypomanic episode, DSM-IV-TR criteria A and B

A. A distinct period of persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting throughout at least 4 days, that is clearly different from the usual nondepressed mood.
B. During the period of mood disturbance, 3 or more of the following symptoms have persisted (4 if the mood is only irritable) and have been present to a significant degree: 
  1) inflated self-esteem or grandiosity 
  2) decreased need for sleep (eg, feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep) 
  3) more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking 
  4) flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing 
  5) distractibility (ie, attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli) 
  6) increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation 
  7) excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (eg, the person engages in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments).
Source: Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, 4th ed, text rev. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association; 2000

Wed, Nov 26, 2014, 5:43 PM | Email From Family To Me

I will always be there for you Sis,  wether I understand or not.  I don’t look for my “old sister” anymore. … 

I just look forward to hanging with the one I have now.   And I love you very much!  I’m just a lil unsure if your asking for space, or filling me in on how your feeling? It’s ok no matter what the answer is.  

Just know I’m here for you,  I don’t want to lose you again.  If you need anything,  I’m here.  Always will be.   I’m sorry your going through this,  if there is anything I can do,  don’t hesitate to ask.

I love you to the moon and back SeEstEr!  ♡ 

Nov 26, 2014, 7:34 PM | Email From Me To Family

If I could rent something easy or do something like this so I can be close and handle triggers of town as needed and not trying to deal with them all day long.

My gawd, the lawn guys everyday. Everyday there’s something or someone’s face popping up in one of the downstairs windows. I look outside and ten strangers are walking down the street.

People parking in front of the house and the neighbors (I’m sure are nice but prob think I’m too weird to say hi too. lord knows how many times they’ve heard me bawling my head off.) I want to “move” and not run away.

I told myself a year last year before making a big choice. I want to make a good choice and settle and have room to breathe and be able to walk freely in my own home. I need help with that. Knowing and planning out the steps. Making sure the boys find another way because I’m too sick to do this and live with others.

I’m always overwhelmed trying to process all the stuff everywhere, them, the noise, the clutter, the dishes are never clean when I have enough energy to cook and then I’m missing what I thought was there. Little things are huge to me and it’s really hard to remember what I’m capable of sometimes and what I think I am.

M. says I’ve gone up a level though. I was in the TV/soudoff shutout mode. Now I’m in art mode. She’s really good at helping me see when I’m not grounding and helping me work through stuff … I can be a real brat sometimes.

Sometimes I think this must be what it feels like for a toddler getting overloaded and having a tantrum because I know I throw some big ones these days. And I get my feelings hurt real easy. I get over it but it’s so strange to have such big emotions that I have no understanding about.

Guess that makes up for the years I felt numb.

By Eve Reiland

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