Badass Activist | Eve Reiland

I forgave myself today for getting sick. | Circa Sept 23, 2013

Sep 23, 2013, 9:53 PM | Email From Me To Friend

I forgave myself today for getting sick. Didn’t realize how much guilt I carried about it. Freer today. 

In pain tonight, but we’re working on desentizing me to sensory input. So took my sunglasses off at 5. Tomorrow the goal is four. My body is on fire, but I’m learning to accept pain and not fight it.

It leaves or settles faster that way. Last night was a bitch with flashbacks, but the nurse helped me through it in a way I didn’t know possible. Dr. Hayward asked if I would talk to his graduate students today. So I did.

25 people in a small space and I shared with them things I’ve never shared with anyone. They weren’t told my dx but were going to discuss my case after I left.

There are now 25 new people in the world who will never forget my experience and will be able to help others like me. It’s empowering. I’m off most of the drugs the other docs had me on.

Just zoloft and one ativan a day now.

The withdrawals were a bitch. I’m getting stronger and my brain has more clarity to focus. When it’s my time to go home, taking the long route — going out to 1 and going to stop in Half Moon Bay.

Have always wanted to see it since you’ve talked about it. We’re going to stop in Santa Cruz too. I’m going to get to put my feet in the sand. It’s been far too long.

I’m in awe. I’ve wanted to go to the beach since I got out of the psych ward last year at this time. It’s such a simple thing, going to the coast, but been out of my reach for so long.

I’m going to love this next journey in life.

Everyday I feel more relief in ways I’ve never felt. How could I love others so deeply and not love myself? It’s healing in ways I don’t understand, recognizing that and applying it to me.

There’s so much more life to live. ❤ 

By Eve Reiland

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