- Sally Russell I “hear” more venting in these posts than hate. The parent (s) are extremely overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated, with no relief ever in sight, as it’s already been “war” for 30 years. Their minds are in continual shock. They still say they are concerned over what will happen with their adult child when they (the parent),die, a very heavy weight. I wish we offered solace for these parents in the means of day cares for their sick individual, who aren’t meaning harm in their actions and behaviors, it’s just that they are unable to communicate and do what someone else can do. If only there were day cares to which they could take their child for a safe day, while the parent (s) could have an adult day doing the things many of us take for granted, like shopping or walking around the block. They haven’t had baby sitters, ever, because no one will take care of such a handful, and the parents feel a combination of guilt and love
- Pamela Ehn I still think these women set themselves up for their “slavery”. You tell a child (or within earshot) often enough that they will never be able to do anything on their own, they will believe it and kids are extremely good at matching expectations.
The best gift my mom ever gave me was her high expectations. Often they were too high, but failing to meet those high expectations is better for a child than to have no expectations to meet.Manage
- Pamela Ehn Actually, I was THAT CHILD. When I was nonverbal, I was still perfectly capable of thought. Nonspeaking does not mean an inability to think!!!!!
And if an autistic person is so distressed that they are screaming and hurting others, it’s because THEY ARE BEING ABUSED AND IT’S A NORMAL REACTION TO ABUSE!!!!
If they are screaming, it means they are in pain. If they lash out, they are trying to stop that pain.
If you treat a human being, however disabled, like a thing, that is what you are going to get. You never even looked at him like a person, did you? And so you are being punished EXACTLY the way you deserve for your inhumanity.
It’s just too bad that your child has to suffer too.Manage
- Hide 23 Replies
- Kathy Tremblay Pamela Ehn fuck offManage
- Kathy Tremblay Pamela Ehn you are one ignorant posManage
- Kathy Tremblay Pamela Ehn get helpManage
- Kathy Tremblay Pamela Ehn lol you have a masters degree? I have my doubts. 🤔 😁😂Someone with a grade school education would understand that not all individuals diagnosed with autism function on the same level. My youngest son has severe autism and ID. I think you may want to educate yourself on autism and realize that just because YOU can function on a certain level my son can not. He goes to a very expensive private autism school, he is in various therapies and has been since age 3, prior to that we had early intervention coming into my home. I can only say how my son is functioning TODAY and as of TODAY (you idiot 🥴) he is functioning on an infant level. I do not know what he will do tomorrow. I can only talk about today- but to call me a murderer and abusive mother? You need serious psychological help !! (I’m sure I’m not the first to tell you this!) lol you should have been put on meds a lonnnggg time ago. 😝😛 One thing I notice about you HF autistics is your need to argue CONSTANTLY & your awkward need to be right even when you’re wrong you just keep going! 😂🤪🤓😝.Manage
- Kathy Tremblay Alex Cockell no I never heard of that… so please tell me more, you were in diapers at age 15? You had no form of communication at age 15?Manage
- Samantha Connor Kathy and co. You need to calm down. Honestly.
(also cw, suicide and abuse)
Here is the thing.
You are talking to autistic adults who are your child’s community. Many of those adults are younger than us and they are going to be here when your child is dead and gone. My child, too. It is counterproductive if you are arguing with the community who will work tirelessly to defend your child’s rights.
If you bother to look closely at why you’re upset, it is not because your child’s privacy has been breached. It is because you are embarrassed. It is because someone took a private moment when you were being vulnerable and stuck it on the wall for everyone to see.
The problem is that when you have ableist thoughts about your disabled child then spill them out loud, you’re also talking about a whole bunch of other people. And that is a community of very traumatised people who are told that we should die every day. Honestly. No exaggeration.
I know and you know how many children like your children are abused in care. They are far more likely to be abused by caregivers than many of the people posting on this thread will be abused – that is a fact. It is also a fact that many of the people posting on the thread will be more likely to suicide. That is a fact, too. The thing is – it is not a competition to see who is more ‘severe’ or ‘worse off’. My kid and your kid and the autistics on this thread are not in some desperate race to the bottom. And we understand your kid far better than you think, because we share his neurology. I know that is hard for you to understand.
I understand that you are hurt and angry and defensive and that is why you are lashing out. But it is because of your defensiveness and embarrassment about your behaviour, that you have been caught out saying the secret, private, awful things that are in your mind and that you never wanted the world to see – just other carers who you didn’t think would judge.
The thing is – when you say these things about your child, you say it about all autistic children. Even though you do not think you have. You think your kid is miles away from where other autistics are – but honestly, he’s not. It’s just some language and co occurring disabilities. What his functional impairment looks like is just the bit you get to see and people without an intellectual disability are generally able to hide that stuff better. Sometimes.
I am physically disabled and autistic but am also a carer. I was probably a bad carer and talked about things that would breach my son’s privacy, early on – I think all carers do this. But there is this kind of awful toxicity that comes with carer groups where it is quite accepted for a parent to say that they sometimes wish their child won’t wake up, that they thought of putting a pillow over her face, that they cry on his birthday every year – I have heard all of those things in carer groups. I left them all because those echo chambers of parent ableism and rage just reinforced any of the bad feelings that I had about my own child. But even now it is tempting to recount what *I* have ‘been through’ as a parent because we want someone to hear our pain and anger. That’s not the right thing to do – it is not about me, or you. It’s about him.
It would be good if you thought about why your reaction was so extreme. I am sure you are all perfectly well behaved women in real life. But perhaps you could rethink how you address sharing your son’s details and consider his dignity and privacy – even if he never understands, it will inform how others treat him. And perhaps you could also consider what it means when you isolate him from a community he belongs to – even if you think he does not.Manage
- Kathy Tremblay Samantha Connor my husband is autistic and he can’t believe how you all are actingManage
- Kathy Tremblay Samantha Connor not embarrassed at all! LolManage
- Kathy Tremblay Samantha Connor why is eves reaction so messed up? Why does she purposely go into closed groups names “the Ugly side of autism” and then sneakily screenshot what other struggling parents say? As I said before you are all a little loony. I will tell the world my son is 15 with a diagnosis of LF autism ID and epilepsy he wears diapers – everyone who knows him knows this – no secret! He goes to school and they know he wears pull up too. This was not mentioned in a PUBLIC FORUM it was in a closed group and your weird friend Eve Reiland is a snake for what she did – now how the fuck do I isolate my kid you fool!? He goes out every fucking day hand over hand doing meals on wheels and newspaper delivery what drugs are you on?? If none you need someManage
- Alex Cockell Everyone, it looks as though the medical model and social model fighting between themselves and the Gender War and Cultural War result in all of us playing out the plot of Two Little Boys… Again.
And you have assholes like JB Handley and Jenny McCarthy pushing Bernard Rimland’s Final Solution for autistic people schtick. Which means we also go full Godwin.
Consider that Rimland skewed the test audience for Rain Man towards Ray going back to Wallbrook as opposed to the original ending having him live in the community with Charlie. And this was back at the start. 6 months after I was diagnosed personally by Lorna Wing in September 1987.
If you haven’t read Neurotribes and Loud Hands, please do so.
Its basically pro-asd versus anti-asd now. Are we on the spectrum human? Or are we scapegoats?Manage
- Samantha Connor Alex, according to women like this woman, we are scapegoats.
For their ableism and hate and bitterness and regret for their lost expectations.
But we are human by virtue of being living, breathing people with the same human rights as others – even if women like this would try to take them away.
- Kathy Tremblay Samantha Connor nutManage
- Kathy Tremblay Samantha Connor good one ! What are you 12? Who says this? LolManage
- Kathy Tremblay Samantha Connor no bitterness and regret. Sad you should have been institutionalized as was advised .. you do not think clearly. I have 5 kids and 2 grandkids. 3 kids and grandkids are NT 17 year old son is. HF 15 year old is LF I feel bad for him for the struggles he will have in life but no regret since I do all I can- pigs like you and your hate speech acting like the victim – so typical.Manage
- Kathy Tremblay Samantha Connor gosh golly ya fruitcake aspie ! Maybe your father should have pulled out , eh? LolManage
- Kathy Tremblay Yet Samantha will be sure to keep going – why? She’s a freak.Manage
- Kathy Tremblay Eve Reiland Screen shot this 🖕Manage
- Hillary Steele Minicucci From Celia Behar
‘As the admin of a private/secret group for moms, I just wanted to take a minute to tell you how unbelievably disgusting what you are doing is. You should be ashamed of yourself. Who are you to share painful, personal, PRIVATE posts and shame other moms for struggling and having a safe place to vent and feel less isolated. You aren’t helping anyone but YOURSELF. You’ve created a shame blog. That’s horrific. It’s people like you that make me so grateful that The Lil’ Mamas exist and that we have established a community to build moms up and not bring them down. I invite anyone who reads this comment and has been shamed by this hideous woman to contact me if you are interested in being part of a REAL bad ass group that actually does good.’Manage
- Eve Reiland as a disabled person needing full-time care and have lived at the expense of “wonderful caregivers” abuse while they vented, received sympathy while they were severely abusing me … and hearing others give that person all the accolades … yea, no. I understand a different pair of shoes entirely and the red flags. Fillicide is real and it must be stopped long before it happens — just like #mms and autistic cures. This group already kicked out all the autistic moms who were trying to be of support in there some weeks ago …Edit or delete this
- Kathy Tremblay Eve Reiland what a drama queenManage
- Danijela Turner Kathy Tremblay You are downright abusive on this thread. Calling someone a pig, idiot, telling them they should of been on medication a long time ago (what’s that say about your opinion of all others who are on medication for psychiatric/psychological/neurological conditions) and then mocking all ‘HF autistics’ by stating they all need to argue constantly even when they are wrong. I was reading the exchange between yourself and Pamela with interest until you started to really ‘up’ the abusiveness. If this is what you think of autistics (HF or not), I certainly would not feel comfortable being in any autism mum group with you. What about the mothers who have ‘HF autistics’ such as the ones you have just insulted and those mothers who have autistic children on medication? You have just insulted a broad group of people (including the mothers of any groups you are in IF those mothers choose to think carefully about the statements you have just made) and I don’t even think you even realise it. This was unnecessary. When we talk of albeist, you have just demonstrated it.Manage
- Tracy Ryan This is beyond disgusting!! How could you take these poor people’s private comments and exploit them for your own gain?!?! People like you should be banned from even owning a computer. I am so disgusted another woman would do this to other women who are clearly hurting and struggling through life. SHAME ON YOU!!!Manage
- Hillary Steele Minicucci From Rachel Costello
You are vile. I have such contempt for you for violating poor women who just need a fucking minute/break. You have zero compassion or empathy. Your blog is a joke. You wouldn’t have an original thought without preying on these women’s emotional outpouring. I hope you get exposed for being an awful human being, your blog taken down, and kicked off of Facebook (and all the groups you dirty screenshot from). Fuck you.Manage
- Donna Strom So you like to post thing people write in special needs mom groups ? You are one piece of trash are you a parent ? What you doing is disgusting and vile and putting more stigma on the disabled this blog of yours is nothing more than a jokeManage
- Emma Dalmayne Eve Reiland disable public comments.
These autism moms aren’t here to have a convo or debate they are here to attack and make assumptions.
To all reading Eve is autistic as am I and yes we have autistic kids.
We would NEVER put down our children in groups or chats on social media, EVER.
You see what you aren’t getting is that these precious warrior mum groups you are in are echo chambers….”My child hit me…mine to…My child smeared shit…look here’s a picture….god I wish he would just grow up…why me?”
Are just some of the posts in these groups.
No suggestions of why the child might be lashing out or smearing just a big old pot of woe is me…
Yes we both have experience of the more challenged sensory aspects, smearing for example is something I did myself. Imagine if my mother had had access to Facebook?
This mother was not seeking help go look at all her other posts and the other posts in that cess pit of a wallow hole.
Olympia Ellinas have you seen this?Manage
- Danijela Turner First autism mum group I joined. I was there for only a week after a mother posted a photo of her child’s faeces, supposedly in ‘evidence’ (I’m guessing) to support what she wrote in her post. I was absolutely astounded. Totally unnecessary and clearly undignified for any human to have a photo of their bowel movements posted on social media but what astounded me even more was that the other mothers thought this was completely normal behaviour. It was then that it dawned to me that those people had literally no concept of dignity for their own child in terms of what they share on social media. Evidently, it seemed to be the case that having an autistic child = share everything about them as their right to privacy, confidentiality, dignity is of lesser concern and value than non-autistic children. I was the only person who commented in objection to the photo. I left the group. Horrid.Manage
- Hide 16 Replies
- Sally Russell I agree with the statement that some of the comments are vile, yet I’ll take issue with your statement that a parent is hating when they’re venting that they wish they never had a child. Yes, it’s easy to say that when one has a child, one should accept the fact that this child will be disabled for the rest of their lives, but in reality, no matter how much a parent may be acceptant of all this type of talk, as a human being a mind can only take so much. The brain can’t take continual onslaught without a break, and that’s what is happening to an individual in these severe situations, thus all they have is to talk it out and vent. That’s all.Manage
- Kathy Tremblay Sinead Larkin you have no clueManage
- Pamela Ehn Sally, vent if you want, but not on Facebook! It’s literally the same thing as incels fomenting grievances against women on 4chan. It’s ugly and toxic and only encourages violence towards autistic people.Manage
- Kathy Tremblay Eve Reiland I’m sure not to screenshot someone’s posts.Manage
- Alissa Johnson Âû You think us evil. If only you could see what they could have… the world they could give, the whole life. We are a game changer, and all of these people, we are driven insane by how we don’t understand why they fight us instead of bringing their concerns to us anyway. That’s the source of our rage… It’s so frustrating when people won’t accept we have insight you cannot find elsewhere, just by being autistic.Manage
- Pamela Ehn They’re not at all interested in our insight. They hate their children and they hate us.
Good moms welcome this sort of advice all the time. These moms just want to wear their autism warrior badge to get sympathy from the world. It’s Munchausen’s by Proxy, Autism Edition.
There is nothing we can do to change their minds because they get too much payoff from being the way they are. Remember Gypsy’s mom? The mom that made this poor girl think she had cancer? That’s who these moms are.Manage
- Sinead Larkin Sally Russell Again there is a difference between venting and hating. Venting is, man I am having a really shit day. I don’t know what I am doing or how I can help my child, I need a break. What she said was I wish I never had a child. That means she wishes her child was not there. That is not venting. There are parents who have murdered their children who carried the same thoughts. Don’t u get that? And as for someone else commenting I don’t have a clue, well I have 2 autistic children and an autistic grandchild who I am raising. So fuck u and ur ‘u don’t have a clue’. Oh and before anyone pipes in with the ‘Oh but ours are ‘severe’ what is severe? My kids will be with me until I die and so will my Grandson. Is it easy no, life is not easy in general. Can I do the things other people do, no. But guess what I chose to have my children, they did not ask to be born. It is my responsibility to care for them until I can’t anymore. Do I need to vent HELL YES, do I hate my children HELL NO and I couldn’t wish them to be not here so my life would be easier which is what this lady and others said. I just wish there wasn’t so many ignorant, abelist, autism haters, disability blaming, progress impeding attitudes and people so that when I am gone they wouldn’t need protecting from it all and the likes of u people. The sympathy should go to her child. Not her. So I say again before u pop out children, bear in mind that ur child may be born different and that u may have to mind that child for the rest of your life. Maybe then when u do pop out kids and they are different you won’t be so fecking resentful.Manage
- Olympia Ellinas These comments by these people who claim to be loving mothers, are illogical and downright dangerous.
It is firstly a safeguarding issue to share photos or private information about your children.
Secondly, your children do have human rights as well, did you know?
Thirdly. I am autistic, diagnosis classic autism to be specific. I used to do things that were on the face of it, unpleasant. I have a history of aggressive meltdowns where the police had to be called etc. But do you know what really made these worse? My abusive mother. She was a martyr mom to an extent. She is also a toxic narcissist sociopath like a lot of these moms are. If I had a loving mother (my dad was too scared of my mother) then I would have lived a much better life and my behaviours would have dramatically decreased.
Note that I am now filing police charges against my mother for what she did!
I go nonverbal often and I act bizarrely but none of my friends have an issue with that, and that is the right thing to do. My mother is wrong to hate on me and moan about how bad it was to raise me etc.Manage
- Olympia Ellinas That is good that you succeeded. I am a graduate myself and doing my MSc from home. I needed a full time 1:1 at uni for my BSc and still got sectioned 6 times, so that is why I’m doing my MSc from home.Manage
- Pamela Ehn The thing is, we’re still making it work. You are still proving that you are capable of doing so much more than they think you can. You’re just doing it differently, but you’re still getting it done.Manage
- Mads Beresford There is something fundamentally broken in someone when they wish they were never a parent; they are wishing their child was dead.
Venting about struggle is fine and needed. But this goes beyond venting and is dangerous. While the original comment may not directly condone neglect or abuse, someone else in a similar situation may take it as permission to neglect or abuse their child. Adverse consequences are guaranteed.
And to all the people attacking Eve: there is a child here that is clearly hated by his mother. Stop gaslighting and making it all about the mother. The boy can’t care for himself but I guarantee he feels his mother’s hate. Show some concern about the kid.Manage
- Pamela Ehn replied
- Edit or delete thisINTERNATIONALBADASSACTIVISTS.ORGUgly Side of Caregivers | … A tear dropped size of hotsauce on my finger…
- Edit or delete this
- Danijela Turner replied
- Edit or delete thisINTERNATIONALBADASSACTIVISTS.ORGUgly Side of Caregivers | I hope your kid never hears that sort of rejection from…
- Edit or delete thisINTERNATIONALBADASSACTIVISTS.ORGUgly Side of Caregivers | Ow how I wish they’d bring functioning labels back.…
- Kathy Tremblay Eve Reiland you really are a piece of shit STEALING posts from parents who are looking for help & support . Sad you had to join a closed private group just to steal posts! PATHETIC!Manage
- Rosa Tremaine Kathy Tremblay it’s not as if this kind of thing isn’t everywhere else as well. We deal with this hate and bigotry and willful ignorance every single day across all social media platforms.Manage
- John Greally The big issue isn’t of course the vast parental contribution to the extremely early death of millions of autistic children, it’s some post all these evil mothers with the killing attitude happened to see and have latched on to, without ever raising so much as a fingernail to stop the decades of wicked stuff they share amongst themselves. Shame on every one of them. Exposed.
Co-founder, Autistic Spectrum New ZealandManage
- Robert John Walker Âû Irrespective of the child’s neurology, it’s called being a parent so put on your big girl / big boy panties and get on with it!
In electing to have a child there is always the possibility that the resultant child may have “additional needs”. We don’t get to pick and choose a “perfect” child (whatever that is). My son is 14, having been born at 27 weeks. He had MANY additional needs as a youngling, but many are now thankfully resolved or substantially mitigated. Yes it was hard… but if you are doing it right, parenting is hard work in the beginning (especially the first child). No matter what, I still love him for the young man that he is – any thoughts of hardship or “woe is me” never crossed my mind…it’s just life, so make the best of what you have… which applies in nearly every aspect.
We are parents for life…that is just how it is.
Set aside expectations? Perhaps stop comparing with friends, family, Facebook and celebrity? Indeed, don’t even compare one of your children with another; at least not in a judgemental way. Everybody is an individual with different needs, wants and likes…what is “special” and what is “normal” is largely cultural anyway…Manage