As Seen On Facebook | I wish I’d never had a child. I get nothing from being a mother! no love or joy. I’m just a slave. Bum wiping, food making, drink fetching body slave/drudge. via Yvonne Sidwell

December 29 at 11:23 AM

I wish I’d never had a child. I get nothing from being a mother!( sorry had to edit that as someone obviously thought I was some sort of monster) no love or joy. I’m just a slave. Bum wiping, food making, drink fetching body slave/drudge.

– Yvonne Sidewell
Yvonne Sidwell



Comments
Annette Spence


 It’s a hardship that many will never understand. There will be good days amidst the hard days. I want to thank you for being such a great mom and for going the extra mile, that some won’t. I can say with all honesty, I understand!! He is fortunate to have you as a mom and despite how you might feel right now, he is your angel. He is an angel that needs special care and you are the special mom who can do it. Thank you!!!😊

Patti Coss

Patti Coss From it? Do you have homes you can place your child in?

Yvonne Sidwell

Yvonne Sidwell Patti Coss from being a mother I meant!

Patti Coss

Patti CossYvonne Sidwell ok. Im,sorry . I’m having a hard time with my son being on break right now but I have never called him it. I thought that’s how you were referring to your son. I’m,sorry he shows no love. I am lucky I get hugs but today I’m,just getting beaten up.ManageLike · Reply · 1d

Yvonne Sidwell

Yvonne SidwellPatti Coss and homes are few and far between and to look after my son you have to love him otherwise a person wouldn’t cope so I soldier on. 19 years next month. Hoping he can go to residential college next September but dreading it because I don’t wan…See More3M

Patti Coss

Patti Coss I’ve never heard of residential college. I’m just starting to look into things now to prepare for the future but my son is only 12. Unfortunately because if his behaviors and the fact that he functions like an infant I’m not sure any place could take him. And mine watches sesame street over and over.

Yvonne Sidwell

Yvonne Sidwell Patti Coss where are you living we are in UK

Patti Coss

Patti CossYvonne Sidwell I’m in Ohio, in the US

Kathy Milliner

Kathy MillinerPatti Coss my 15 year old is also severely developmentally delayed and is agressive. I’ve been told he can still go into a group home when age 18.

Josie Archer

Josie ArcherYvonne Sidwell Will your son watch musicals? We’ve been watching Greatest Showman (an angel in this group recommended it), Sound of Music, Mary Poppins, etc. Or even videos of concerts. Would be much more exciting for you. Do your libraries in the UK lend out movies?

Yvonne Sidwell

Yvonne SidwellJosie Archer no he won’t. I’ve tried, there is too much dialogue. He watches the Snowman occasionally at Christmas and Raymond Briggs Father Christmas rest of the time it’s Brum. It’s a yellow car that goes around a town helping people. Lots of slapstick and annoying tune

Tena Vance-Havican

Tena Vance-Havican OMG said that soooooo many times. Was ok when he was very young, when you expect to be doing those things, now he is 29 and still doing the same stuff except now he is almost as big as me. Just hanging in there as long as I can or until hubby retires whichever comes first

Yvonne Sidwell

Yvonne SidwellTena Vance-Havican even on here there are posts of kids doing stuff he can’t. He uses only one word at a time so if he says TEA and I don’t react immediately he shouts it at me until I respond.

Tena Vance-Havican

Tena Vance-Havican mine says nothing, knows a few signs, can do a lot of things himself but most of the times makes me get up to do it/ I swear he punishes me sometimes by needing something every 15 minutes. As most mothers, we picture what our kids will grow up to be like. Ours never grow up. It is sad, down hearting and terrified of what will happen to him when I am gone.

Yvonne Sidwell

Yvonne SidwellTena Vance-Havican sounds like my life. He’s yelling TEA now, I said wait so he’s hurled toys all over the place. So off I go to make TEA and I’ll have to pick the toys up now. I’m the same so worried about his future. I suppose I’m fed up at the thought of New Years Eve it always gets me down, families getting together and me stuck in watching baby tv

Tena Vance-Havican

Tena Vance-Havican omg I cried Christmas day and the day after. The words No and Wait are his triggers. No plans for New Years Eve. My parents will come by New Year Day for dinner. They are the ONLY ones that have ever been part of his life.

Yvonne Sidwell

Yvonne SidwellTena Vance-Havican yep, no and wait can trigger a meltdown here too. Our parents don’t bother with him

Tena Vance-Havican

Tena Vance-Havican I think because I lived with them when he was born, they were there when he was diagnosed and until he was 4 until I got married and moved away. They kept him in the Summer and Christmas break when I worked and about 7 years ago they moved near us now 5 minutes away. They are not healthy, my dad battles cancer and my mom has back issues. Someday soon I will be will lose my only respite then I will really be screwed.

Yvonne Sidwell

Yvonne SidwellTena Vance-Havican I have a lady/ saint who is his Carer one night a week but she is on holidays for a month

Tena Vance-Havican

Tena Vance-Havican Bless her, I had best friends that have never ever offered to stay any amount of time with him for me.

Yvonne Sidwell

Yvonne SidwellTena Vance-Havican my parents have never looked after him even when he was tiny. My in laws used to up until he was about 8. They are too infirm now. Our Carer is paid through direct payment scheme in U.K. we were lucky to find her. I have a sister and my husband has a brother but they have never helped

Tena Vance-Havican

Tena Vance-Havican 
I could get him in a day program but he doesn’t want to leave the house and having a stranger in my house is not ideal for me. We have 1 friend that comes a few times of year to visit. Lucky for me my hubby is my best friend and I enjoy his company very much. He is not my son’s biodad and I am so very blessed he chose us 25 years ago to be the people he loves. He and I cry together but most importantly we laugh together daily, usually over small silly stuff. But so looking forward to him retiring and US enjoying our golden years being together and hoping to travel. IF we find the right residental situation for ourson

Yvonne Sidwell

Yvonne SidwellTena Vance-Havican my husband is great too when he is here. He works away half the month now

Tena Vance-Havican

Tena Vance-Havican him being away must be hard on you

Rebecca Gosling

Rebecca Gosling When you are havi g a baby you never think about it being less than perfect. That idea of perfection is damaging. There must be something that you can find a positive in? Just focus on those little things

Yvonne Sidwell

Yvonne SidwellRebecca Gosling no there really isn’t. I used to hope there would be but in reality there isn’t. He loves travel and we enjoy taking him on holidays but in reality things are just a grind.

Lauren Marie Greene

Lauren Marie Greene This feeling of despair is something only few can understand. It’s not fun. Is he a good candidate for a residential school?

Yvonne Sidwell

Yvonne SidwellLauren Marie Greene the school have accepted him but it’s up to the local authority and NHS now. If they don’t agree to fund him he’s going to finish school in July and I’ll have to care full time

Lauren Marie Greene

Lauren Marie Greene I’m really hopeful you get placement. Get an advocate to help. That’s what I did. Not sure where you’re located.

Yvonne Sidwell

Yvonne SidwellLauren Marie Greene North Yorkshire, hoping he’ll go to ESPA in Newcastle

Lauren Marie Greene

Lauren Marie Greene We were imprisoned for many years. Our son has been in residential care now for a year and some months and it’s the most amazing thing to happen to ALL of us! Myself, our marriage, and my other children as well as my son who is severe.

Patti Coss

Patti CossLauren Marie Greene are you in the states?

Lauren Marie Greene

Lauren Marie GreenePatti Coss yes, I am.

Patti Coss

Patti CossLauren Marie Greene my school district would never agree. They think he’s fine at school, it’s challenging but they manage. However, there’s three of them and one of me plus he has 4 therapists at school.

Patti Coss

Patti Coss doctor mentioned it, actually a couple doctors have….he’s only 12 but I’m really trying to figure out what is out there.

Lauren Marie Greene

Lauren Marie Greene My son was in a 6:1:1 and being babysat because they couldn’t teach him. The advocate and all of our documentation showed proof that need was there. Get private Evals done to backup you up

Lauren Marie Greene

Lauren Marie Greene My son is 12 as well. We were able to show the community could not support us either. There were no programs he could attend. Waiting lists.. he had no quality of life. It’s not just school and how they handle him… is he progressing? What about outside of school

Josie Archer

Josie Archer 
Yvonne Sidwell (((Massive Hugs))) We’re all on this rollercoaster ride together. We can all relate to what you’re feeling. Thank you for being honest. I hope that you feel a bit better getting things off your chest. You and your feelings matter and are legitimate. There’s only so much a body can take…even a Tough Mama like you. Our lives are just so extreme: Dark, then Light, then Dark, then hoping for the Light again. One thing that stands out in the majority of your posts is your Immense, All-Encompassing Love and Dedication to your son. Your Love for your son leaps from your posts. Yes, you may have those feelings and complaints, but your actions toward your son are filled with love and devotion. You do anything and everything to make him happy. I LOVE that photo of your son on vacation in the water. You are a selfless, kind person. Your son is so lucky that you are his mama. What little things make you happy? Any little things that you can give yourself? I’m indulging in music these days (huge Rick Springfield fan). I lock myself in the bathroom for 30 minutes a day and listen to music…while my son watches his favorite movie and munches on cookies. Find something to take care of yourself daily…something special for you…you deserve it after all that hard work.

Stephanie Jones Schreiber

Stephanie Jones Schreiber Hugs momma.

Carla Jenkins

Carla JenkinsYvonne, so many of us have felt that way. I’m glad we have a place we can go to say what few would understand. It can be so hard. I don’t have any answers, I just want you to know I understand how you feel. Hugs

Annabelle Annabelle

Annabelle AnnabelleYvonne Sidwell i feel exactly the same. We live in malta but are hoping to relocate to the uk . Im hoping theres more help there and possibly put him in residential care when hes older. Have you looked into this? Any feedback?

Yvonne Sidwell

Yvonne SidwellAnnabelle Annabelle do your research into where you are going to live. Some councils are more stretched than others and it will be them who you will rely on for funding. We are hoping to get our son into residential college in the Newcastle area with ESPA. They also do supported living for adults and we will consider moving to that area.

Julie Davies

Julie Davies I live in the UK it took myself and my daughters social worker 5 years to get my daughter one to one which she has always needed she has been in a lot of respite places but was sent home because they couldn’t handle her behaviour even in school she wassent home for the same reason then finally we got her the one to one. She lives in her own house with staff on duty 24/7 the meds she is on has helped a lot she is not a zombie just a happy young lady she still gets anxious when out as she is petrified of dogs. 
I was a single mum with health issues and she wasn’t on meds with me I was hit scratched she gave me a black eye it’s only when she moved in to residential that she is on meds I had her home for 3 nights at Christmas she was good as gold ok she has no patients at all and still very repetitive I don’t know if that helps you

Lisa Aagesen

Lisa Aagesen We understand and most of us have had the same thoughts at one time or another

Margie Goldberg Cohen

Margie Goldberg Cohen I don’t know what we’re going to do when she ages out of the Maryland Autism waiver. So far, I haven’t actually seen anything I like that would be appropriate for our daughter. The turnover is terrible, so it seems like employers just hire anybody.


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20 thoughts on “As Seen On Facebook | I wish I’d never had a child. I get nothing from being a mother! no love or joy. I’m just a slave. Bum wiping, food making, drink fetching body slave/drudge. via Yvonne Sidwell

  1. Yvonne Sidwell says:

    Hello. I love my son to pieces. He is my world. I had a vent on a closed group after a long hard day feeling sorry for myself and I’m sorry that I wasn’t as strong as I should have been. You’re making out I’m a monster and I’m really not. You don’t know me. My life is built round getting the best for my son. As soon as I learned he was autistic I went on a pecs course to teach him to speak. I fought for special education, I taught him to swim, and we taught him to ride a bike. We take him on holidays he enjoys. I sat stroking his face last night as he recovered from a meltdown. I LOVE him and will need to stay strong for him for the rest of my life. You have broken my heart, I am literally shaking, you have me so wrong.

    Like

      • We're Lad says:

        Well sugar, if they were really autistic they wouldn’t be able to talk.

        High functioning autism is bullshit and not real. Feel free to quote me on that.

        Like

      • Chelsey says:

        Wow, seriously? You exploited this mom, using her real name and picture, to do…. what exactly? “Expose her?” “Teach her a lesson?” “Use her as an example?”.

        You, in fact, did none of these things. Do you know who looks worse in this situation? You. You were mad at what she said? Fine, be mad. Reply to her comment, PM her, call her on the phone. Instead, you used her moment of grief for your own personal gain and sent a virtual Lynch mob to attack her. You used her to prove your point, which escaped me because I was too busy focusing on the actual victim here- the woman you’re harassing. I don’t say that lightly either- but since this legally constitutes defamation of character I decided it’s appropriate. You’re an adult, presumably. So, do the adult thing and refrain from engaging in high school style bullying.

        This mom is grieving. She’s struggling to balance the roll of caretaker and mom. It’s SO hard to feel like a mom when you’re a 24/7 caretaker also. You know what she actually needs? Compassion. If you don’t have anything helpful to say, next time you shouldn’t say anything at all.

        And finally- an open essay? Please. Give me a break. Stop exploiting her pain.

        Like

      • yvonne sidwell says:

        I wish you would remove your comments about me and my family. You hate me yet you know nothing about me really. I don’t want you to misunderstand so it is hard to reply. My son has severe learning difficulties with is autism. I don’t hate the autistic community as you have portrayed me, I welcome their insight. Temple Grandin was one of the first authors I turned to. I do everything for my son, he’s nearly 19 by the way. I won’t go into details about the needs I assist or do for him in public as it’s not fair on him. I did share details on the closed group but I thought I was safe to share there with other people who understood how hard it can be. Someone gave me a bashing saying what if my son ever read my complaints? Well I hope and pray that one day he can read. I’ll happily apologise to him for complaining. Please stop vilifying me and instead of being badassed be a goodads. I accept any help offered, if you were in this country I would say come and help me. Visit a few colleges with me, reassure me he will be okay. You are I think younger than me so maybe you could check in on how he’s doing when I get too old. As I have said you have broken my heart. I am trying to focus on my son. I have to apply for further education for him and fight for a college place but all this has been a terrible distraction for me. I am trying to keep my dignity and do right by my family, friends and people who rely on me. I thank everyone who has sent me
        messages of support. I hope you find some peace Eve, I really mean it because I’m not a bad person.

        Like

    • Akp says:

      I’m so sorry these crappy people violated your son’s HIPPA rights this way. Some of the parents are contacting attorneys to sue for damages.

      Like

    • Patti says:

      Yvonne, what you said was in a PRIVATE setting. In a closed group, where mothers like you support each other and come together to encourage and help one another. What Eve did to you is vile. You are a wonderful mother. You are doing the very best you can. Don’t let this woman allow you to think any less of yourself. You don’t owe her anything.

      Like

  2. Caitlin says:

    The author of this website is a terrible human being. Shame on the author. As a mom, we have really shitty days. You have prayed upon a mama in one of her dark moments. I hope the author does not have children and never does. This type of behavior shouldn’t be passed down. Yvonne, the mamas of the world stand with you. You are not alone. Please don’t feel guilty for your comments. EVERY mother has them at some point and you felt you were in a safe place to share.

    Like

  3. Kate says:

    What a horrific human being and coward you are. How dare you share mothers private thought posted in what is supposed to be a support group. How dare you exploit a mother that way. How dare you take away a safe space for that mother. You are the worst kind of human being there is – lacking any and all compassion. Do YOU have a special needs hold? Have you had to give up your world to keep them safe? Has every aspect of your life been changed by having a severely special needs child? No? Then don’t judge. Yes? Then don’t judge. There is NO reason in the world to tear down women who are simply doing their best. I wish you the worst in this world because you deserve nothing but hardships after hurting these women the way you have. How dare you?

    Like

  4. Janie Maedler says:

    A mother who goes through the struggles of caring for her child and loving him daily as Yvonne does should be able to vent in a Closed Group with other moms who are sharing in like experiences. Your sharing of her posts on a public platform is a betrayal of the Austism Family Community and simply Momma’s Community! She is an absolutely amazing mother and has no reason to explain her words to ANYONE! Yvonne, keep your head held high. I’ve worked with hundreds of ASD families and I’ve seen it break family members. You are an amazing mother. I can not understand Eve’s intentions with airing out other people’s intimate and personal discussions that were coming from a place of needing to vent and love.

    Like

  5. AnotherMother says:

    You have bullied this poor woman by taking her words in a private group and making them public. If she was to kill herself because of what you have done you would be taking a caregiver from an autistic person and putting the autistic person into a home where abuse is common. Please think of how your strategy can backfire and cause harm to the people you claim to be caring about and helping. The fact that you are asking this woman to apologize to the autistic community for something YOU did is absurd. You have caused harm to this family and you are the one that should apologize. This is not activism, it is bullying, abuse and harassment. What was your goal to post that? To shame and bully this woman and show people how sneaky you are to infiltrate parent support groups designated for people with severe autism? Your goal was malicious. You did not HELP anyone here- only hurt. Now this woman has deleted Facebook and has NO SUPPORT while caring for her son. Do you think that is what is best for him or her?

    Like

  6. Ap says:

    Shame on you for writing about a story that you may not completely understand cuz nobody understands each parents struggle with any of their kids. On top of the fact I hope you realize a lot of closed special needs groups have heard about this article and are taking effective and are warning other special needs groups about you, and the horrific way you treated this woman in a closed special needs group on Facebook.

    Like

    • Eve Reiland | BadassActivist says:

      Good. And tell them Autistic Moms of Autistic Kids are here and we’re done with the bullshit. Also share that if any of them want to help actually fight for the future of their autistic kid … the ones that want a better future for them than incarceration, abuse, murder, or homelessness and an early death to suicide … come find us. Also, share that the autistic community is 58% more likely to die by murder, we have the highest rates of fillicide and caregiver abuse — and our #1 cause of early death is suicide worldwide. Our average age of life is 36 years — so the likelyhood of outliving your autistic child is incredibly likely.

      #AutisticMomsRise

      Like

  7. I would never give you my name, guess why says:

    Eve, one of the first things I did when my son was diagnosed was to locate and open conversations with autistic self advocates. I was and am still so grateful for the wisdom they shared with me. You and they have a perspective that is so valuable to parents and to the NT world in general. However, what you — you personally—have done to Yvonne is monstrous. I doubt you are qualified or welcome to speak for all autistic parents of autistic kids. Because I doubt many of them are so completely lacking in empathy that they could fraudulently join a parent support group for the purpose of exposing and humiliating another parent who had reached out for support in a private setting. You have violated not only this parent’s privacy but also her child’s. It is clear you could not care less how your actions affect that child. Is he collateral damage to you? Perhaps there’s a way you are being of service to the autistic population but in this case, you are, I’m afraid not behaving like a badass or much of an advocate. A badass punches up at oppressive forces. You kicked down at a woman who was despondent. One woman. Not a system. And you did it at the expense of her child’s privacy. If I were an autistic self advocate I would sure as hell not want you speaking for me. I can’t guess at your motives but your calling yourself a badass, combined with this incident, makes me wonder if your whole project is centered around self aggrandizement. It is one thing to take on Autism Speaks. It is quite another to bully one despondent woman who has literally sacrificed much of her life for her child. Maybe you think that sacrifice is not a big deal. I and most parents would agree that our children are worth anything we have to do. But you know what? That kind of sacrifice takes a toll on people. If you’ve never felt it, well, lucky you. I’d go so far as to say that the vast majority of ALL parents have had moments where they wish they’d never had kids. They just didn’t get caught saying so by you. Did you ever say something you wouldn’t want publicized? Be honest with yourself. What you did was awful. The fact you did it — that alone— makes me skeptical about your ability to use this criticism constructively. Nevertheless, you should hear it and if you choose to let this comment appear, others should too. Pick better targets if you really want to be an advocate. Right now you just look like a bully.

    Like

  8. I would never give you my name, guess why says:

    Ok, I’ve gone back and reviewed more of your writing, Eve, including your piece about all the shoes you’ve worn. I wonder if you think you’re the only parent of autistic kids who was, as a kid, abused or mentally ill or otherwise disabled. But wait…that would mean you are completely ignorant of the genetics of autism and how it tends to happen in families where there’s a history of autism, mental health issues, and other disabilities. And that you’re ignorant that ALL of us were raised by people who didn’t know how to parent us. Are you ignorant of those things? If not, by your logic, almost any of us who have autistic kids could go around joining private groups with the intent of making members’ private posts public and it would be ok because of all those shoes we’ve worn. I see it differently. As someone who has a mental health disorder that I masked and that was misunderstood and that my parents handled imperfectly, and who is now raising a severely autistic 17yo child who routinely leaves me with HUGE bruises and sometimes pulls out my hair because I get close enough to put a pillow under his head when he’s banging his back against the floor…I see it differently. If I were to go to the private page of caregivers of people who have my disability and pretend to want support and then expose their private, grief stricken posts—I really hope someone would get me to a doctor because it would mean my meds needed adjusting. Food for thought. Also…you mention fillicide and caregiver abuse…the purpose of support groups is to allow people to say things aloud and get support and NOT live in secrecy, so they can voice their thoughts in a SAFE place where they can be heard and not judged BUT be reality checked by others. They can’t be reality checked if they can’t tell anyone without being judged. I read some of your apologists say these parents were fools to think their posts were private. The problem is they WERE private until YOU invaded them. You have likely shamed some people into silence now. If you’ve done your research you’ll know THAT is how abuse, suicide, and fillicide happen. They do not happen because of a post someone read about someone else. By contrast, people do commit suicide over being personally publicly bullied by name with their picture attached. It’s the kind of thing middle and high school bullies do that results in their bullied classmates dying. Get help. And please, grow up a little. You’re not the only person who has disabilities, has been parented imperfectly, and grown up to become a parent. Your efforts to advocate are admirable. Get better at it.

    Like

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