by Eve Reiland, Autistic Ambassador
Sensory load meltdowns in public are hard.
I balance my entire life with outings and downtime with incredible amount of support, planning and knowing my body might say helll no when I say hell yes — and it wins no matter what — so I have to be patient too and kind to myself when I can’t do things.
It’s such a careful balance — to have someone just willy nilly taking me everywhere I will have a bloody meltdown screaming fit and go into a seizure when overload hits — and not be able to help it.
Yeah I probably look ridiculous when that happens, but I’m suffering such ungodly pain no one can see — and it can start with the flickering of a fluorescent light.
Then add some questions and cross talk.
Oh fuck. Get a third processing brain thing in there and I’m done for . . .
. . . so please no ones phone ding –
– and boop
i’m fucked and down I go.
Feels like an ice pic hammering my brain, lightening rocketing through every nerve, lose my sight, ability to speak and function — and the hammering keeps hitting.
Now my husband knows this is a sensory load issue – and overwhelming my neurology — not a behavior issue.
Can you imagine someone treating it as a behavior issue, and forcing their will onto your needs to not have your brain hammered by sensory light pics? Someone grabbing as your body is fighting chainsaw pain ripping through muscles and and nerves — driving an instinct fight response.
Now, someone come force me to make eye-contact, try to interfere with my personal space and hold me down — force me to “behave” and complete whatever social gathering I was attending? And then be praised for muting my pain response? No thanks, that’s abuse.
so much abuse.
Forcing a will over another and causing pain is abuse. Even if you don’t understand it — you’ve got create a reasonable plan for it — and the one that best fits the needs of the autistic.
Now, this is acceptance. You don’t have to understand it.