As an aspie, I needed my freedom
just as the wind comes and goes
I needed to be alone
So I discouraged them from seeing me
and shut myself into the closet
I wrote and prayed and ate and slept
but I never felt myself falling out
and away from life
I wrote of dreams I wished to have
I prayed for things I already had
I ate what I slept in
I slept in because I ate
Time withered away like my strength
to face the crowds, my enemy
my old friend, right beside me
and my father, belittling me
I curl up and listen to FOB
to drown out the noise
but listening to what everyone else thought of me
I lost my voice
and what you read everyday
is the beginning
of what I’ve rediscovered
What a year its been for me. I have been through some of the worst anxiety and depression episodes that life can throw at me, and yet here I am. I have grown so much in the last year and for the first time in my life, I can say that I am moving forward.
I started this blog “The Bipolar Writer” back in September and the changes that I have gone through by sharing pieces of my life has been the best thing to ever happen to me. It got me writing full time again.
I have met the most amazing community on WordPress of people just like me working to tell their story.
I got to see my first screenplayMemory of Shane go from just a dream to completion this year. It’s entered in a student competition that I hope to win. Or at the…
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Autistic anxiety is a powerful presence in my life. Its intensity can be unfathomable to a neurotypical mind. I’m 44 years old and have trouble ordering food at a restaurant. I need hours to come down from the adrenaline poisoning of a one-minute phone call. I meltdown in crowds. Adrenal exhaustion is a near-permanent condition. This has been so for my whole life.
This, for me, is a disability. In a context where I’m required to talk and interact at length, I am disabled. If the internet and the web hadn’t come into being as I entered college and the workforce, I would likely have gone unemployed and ended up homeless. I didn’t expect to live to middle age. I expected to eventually defenestrate. “Written communication is the great social equalizer.”
Disability requires context. Change the context, and eliminate the disability. The internet changed the context and made…
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It’s become a bit of a tradition for me to summarise the year on Instagram with a collage of photos and a sappy caption but since I have the blog this year, I thought I’d write something a bit more in depth (although I will still do my Instagram, fear not). I want to collect my thoughts and take a look at what I loved and lost and learned.
This has been a hard year, mainly because of my mental health. I struggled with my medication for a long time before having the worst meltdown I’ve ever had and that was the trigger for a really bad bout of depression that I still haven’t really recovered from. It’s not as bad as it was but it’s been really hard. Because of that, I decided to change medications and that process has swallowed up most of the year. Honestly, that’s been…
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Another year has come and gone and as we enter into 2018 tomorrow, I am faced with some choices for the coming year. Don’t panic, 80smetalman’s Blog will continue on until the very last relevant album of 1989 is posted about and as I’m only in 1984 at the moment, it’s safe to say that there are a few more years left in this engine. However, reflecting upon all the great musicians that have departed this world in the last two years and the passing of my mother in law three days ago, I have come to realize that I’m not exactly a spring chicken myself. Therefore, it’s time to slow down a little.
What I am really talking about is the physical side. Four of the past five years, I have gone to one of the major metal festivals in the UK and hopefully, have entertained you with my…
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