The concerned ones asked: Why? How come? What triggered it?
(Originally written by Eve Hinson on 10.30.12 in creative writing journal at Blue Sky Wellness Center)
It was like they were asking questions that didn’t apply to my mental breakdown.
I haven’t heard anyone ask someone why they had a cardiac arrest, doubt their condition, think it’s over-exaggerated or confusing. Same thing with diabetes and other physical health conditions. They wait to see what the doctor has to say.
So, and for the most part I know it’s out of love — at least for me, what makes family and friends assume I can tell them why I have mental illness? I know why I showed up at the door of the behavioral center: suicide ideation.
Don’t know when the darkness leaked in and then barged, banging through my skull and body until it had tremors, tics and seizures.
I don’t have the answer or answers to my condition. I can’t tell you why I am the way I am.
It just is. I am.
And when I have some labels slapped on me, I can talk about those but it still won’t answer the questions. And, at that point, maybe I’ll want to share or maybe I won’t.
When in peer-to-peer group therapy at the center (Blue Sky Wellness Center), not a single person asks why. Not. A. One. They already know.
Even if they don’t know the name for my condition or know what theirs is yet, they get it. We just are and the work to recovery is difficult.
Listening to each other, supporting one another, and not caring about the specifics — though we might part with those over coffee on a singular level — but working towards a common goal to feel better, become stronger and perhaps function at a typical level again.
Here there’s depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, anxiety, dual recovery and more. We all have stories of the dark days, the things we jacked up because of it (relationships, jobs, friendships) and a hope to feel better soon.
The why doesn’t matter. Working towards mental health wellness does.
It’s human to think different.
Eve Hinson | July 2017
Evolution of Eve | Rediscovering life then and exploring the now
Memory loss, scattered focus, inability to track time, and an ill-known stigmatized neurological disorder, plus PTSD symptoms, have erased or complicated recall of Eve’s first 37 years of life.
Now in her mid-40s, Eve is Autistic AF (born that way) and left with a brain that doesn’t include filters (she says fuck. a lot), likes to glitch and, after the memory wipe, created a new personhood. Eve is different to those who’ve known her from childhood. She is unknown even to herself and seeking to learn about her life from back then, and embracing life now.
This series focuses on self-discovery after the onset of severe mental illness, memory loss and permanent disability. It’s a different life and a worthy life.
Contact Eve | firstname.lastname@example.org